My Grandmother's funeral was today.
My Grandmother's funeral was today. I am half still in shock and half of me is screaming inside. I haven't really gone more then two hours throughout the day without bursting into tears. Everyone just keeps trying to tell me to remember the life that she lived and that she was full of up until the last. And all I can do is curse and rail in my head all the things that she was supposed to wait for. I just want to sit in a corner and let the world pass me by and dwell in my grief but I know that the people who love me aren't going to let me do that. I'm so sick of being reserved and trying not to make too much of a big deal out of it but I can't do it anymore, I can't stop the tears even if I wanted to they keep flowing as my statement to the world that I'm not ok an things are't just fucking peachy. The funeral was at the huge catholic church that my grandmother was a part of and I think that if anything being there in that place was just as traumatic for me as her death itself. They were not my people, and I was not being spirtually served and I was so mad that I was there and I was so wrapped up in my grief that I barely remember half of what happened. It was all so ritiualistic and unemotional. I'm having a crisis of faith, a crisis of self, and most of all a crisis of what I'm doing with my life. I need to get some sleep now.. I've been little more then a walking zombie all day and I doubt that the next week or so is going to be any better. I'm trying to focus on other things but I can't for very long and the thought of getting back to "normal" is not something I've even been able to contemplate yet. But I have to go in and take a test tomorrow and then act like everything is find and I'm not a complete quivering mass of fear and insecruity on the inside. It's time to put the shell of normal back on and paint on the veneer that tells the world that I'm ok. But I still don't know if I can...